As an event operator and host, I’m often approached by new and experienced dancers alike on a wide variety of topics. One that pops up from time to time is, and one that is very troublesome, is the rudeness that some people experience while on the dance floor. A post on this topic can go in a few directions, but I’m going to express my thoughts on social dancing for fun vs. ego. Simply put, dancing for fun takes into consideration the idea that every person you dance with can be a great experience. An experienced dancer can get great joy out of a dance with a newer dancer, especially when that dance happens to be the result of an instructor/student relationship. There’s certainly something to be said for being a part of another person’s dance development and feeling, first hand, the growth of each individual dancer.
So what about the rest of the dancers; the ones who aren’t instructors? The ones who don’t have an immediate stake in the dance scene beyond the ongoing results of all those instructors efforts. Do we just continue dancing with those we are familiar with and let the instructors do the job of easing the new people in, ultimately reaping the benefits of their work ? Do we just look at the newer dancers with disdain and begrudgingly accept dances with them? Probably not. Most of us remember when we started dancing this Lindy hop thing. With adult egos getting in the way of child-like exuberance, many of us trepidatiously asked others with more, or less, experience for a dance. There were good experiences and bad experiences along the way, but there were always a few kind individuals who were willing to give us a shot.
With this in mind, I find it frustrating to hear of the horrible experiences pressed upon new people taking in our dances for the first time. One ever so recently that really sticks out in my happened at one of our Friday venues with a new lead. This is not a knock on the Friday venue. Things like this have happened at my Saturday dance as well. This one is just recent. Caveat concluded, the new lead was told by an established follow, while dancing together, that she considered the dance with him to be terrible. Of course I’m paraphrasing the verbal exchange, and it wasn’t any more subtle than that, but the end result was the lead walked off the floor mid song, having been left with a terrible taste. Rather than choosing to be helpful and kind, the follow chose to deride and belittle. It makes me ask myself, what choice would I make?
As I have a direct stake in the local dance scene, my immediate answer to the question above is that I would definitely not choose to belittle! Now, when I wasn’t organizing events, did I do that? Did I tell a new dancer that I’d rather kiss Margaret Thatcher than continue dancing with the person I was sharing floor space with at that time? Again, definitely NOT! I remember coming to Vancouver as a complete rookie and having a wealth of amazing dance experiences with established dancers. Women like Lucy Falkner, Louise Schwarz, Diane Garceau, Teresa Matheson and many others all took the time to make me feel welcome on the floor. In all, Vancouver has been a fairly friendly scene over the years. While there have been a few issues here and there, overall we’re known for our friendly dancers. Which makes the most recent tale all the more irksome. There are a lot of good people here and that sort of behaviour needn’t be tolerated.
So what can we do? First off, we can leave the egos at the door. There is always someone better than ourselves out there and to have a better dancer tell us that we’re not worth the time they spend during a dance would be an absolute blow. Don’t be that person. Second, remember what it was like when you were breaking in. Yes, you had to stick it out through a few bad experiences, but obviously the good ones outweighed the bad. Strive to be a good experience for a newer dancer. Finally, and most importantly, have fun. Have fun with every dance. Make each dance an experience for yourself and your partner. These mutually shared experiences are what make partnered dancing so worth while. Be the catalyst for a great mutual experience. You’ll find that it doesn’t take a lot of effort and it’s returned with enthusiasm.
On a final note, it’s time for me to break out the etiquette cards again for the dances. Is there anything that you’d like to see expressed from an etiquette standpoint? Let me know by leaving a comment!
Cheers,
Darren
Great article, Darren, thanks for the reminder, needed every so often, to open up the dancing “circle of friends” to new people.
Dancing is supposed to be FUN; that’s why we all do it. I like to think that some of the rockstar dancers had FUN dancing with me and it made my night — and though I’m not a rockstar myself, a newbie might see it that way.
@ Erica — keep in mind that some folks, me included, find “helpful hints” from a social dance partner can lead to insecurity instead of confidence, however kindly meant the tips have been. The only exception is dangerous or hurtful behaviour.
Great post Darren! I often find that when I’m dancing with a new person, the best thing to do is encourage them to keep practicing (or sometimes give them tips). I know that those helped me so much when I started dancing.
Well put David. I agree that there are reasons to talk with a partner, or potential partner, regarding a less than comfortable dance. However, a little tact goes a long way. Especially when delivering news that has the potential to chase people away. Any number of subjects can be broached in a manner that will make both dancers feel good about the exchange.
I know there will be a comment or two about people needing thicker skins, but when once person is in a position of power over another, and an experienced dancer certainly is in that position over a new dancer, a little consideration is in order. First off, the message will be taken as a criticism rather than a critique and will be lost. Second, what could have been a positive learning experience for the newer dancer was turned into a negative dancing experience and that person is unlikely to return. We all lose because of one persons poor manners.
How does that saying go… it’s better to keep ones mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Right on, Darren! Too often there’s a threshold crossed when dancers start to get better, and sometimes this transition involves a boost in ego and…. choosiness. Now, depending on the person, this may simply result in a tendency to dance more often with certain people rather than others, but if someone is at all rude or blunt in nature, this choosiness sometimes is expressed in the form of rude rejection. Too bad!
I’d say it’s the responsibility of ALL experienced dancers to make an effort to gently draw newer dancers further into the scene, help them along, treat them kindly, keep them coming back. This is how a scene grows! The veteran dancer who leaves a beginner adrift on the floor has not just hurt that one person but the entire scene!
Of course, occasionally there is a valid reason for not wanting to dance with someone. It may be a lead who leads too hard, a follow who hangs or pulls too much. There could be a hundred reasons. And here, what’s important is communication. Be mature, express the issue, resolve it, and help the scene flourish! Anything else, again, is to the detriment of all dancers.
And to the dancer who experienced that sad experience? Keep dancing! In my 11+ years of dance experience, what I’ve observed is that it’s the dancers who struggle the MOST, who thus work the HARDEST, who end up rising to the top in unbelievable ways!